What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
07.06.2025 23:53
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I will be 64.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do women really cheat more than men?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What's the gayest thing you have experienced on an only boys sleepover?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What is the meaning of xx in texting?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I write beautiful poetry .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
(And it was in our own minds.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was scared of men, in general
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
He knew the spot.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
All the time i was locked up.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Put me off passion for life!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..